by Brandi Savitt – May 20, 2010
The Cost of Being a Good Guest
Wedding season is here, and while the focus should always be on the bride, what about the responsibility of being a good guest and giving an appropriate present to the happy couple? After talking with friends and reading an overwhelming amount of expert opinions out there regarding the etiquette of wedding gift giving, no one really seems to have the absolute answer for what to do. Even the Emily Post Institute gives some wishy-washy advice when it comes to this matter. If Emily Post doesn’t have a concrete answer, no wonder the issue sparks so much controversy and anxiety!
Chances are if you are in your mid-20′s to late 30′s, you are likely averaging 2-4 wedding invitations per year! That’s some serious dough to budget for gifts – whether you actually attend the wedding or not! So what SHOULD you do? And how MUCH should you spend?
The Average $ Spent
There is good reason why everyone answers this question differently. It’s complicated! I have seen intricate formulas based on how well you know the couple, to how much you have already spent on a shower gift and the bachelorette party, to the nationwide blanket average of $75.
The expectation spending amount of a wedding gift does vary depending on where you live. Cities like New York, Los Angeles, Boston, & Chicago average higher at about $100 while smaller cities and towns average $50. But that is not the whole equation!
YOUR BUDGET is a huge a factor in how much you should spend. Buying a showy gift that you can’t really afford is not the answer. If you can’t afford the gift you wish you could give, there are ways to show your generosity other than buying the most expensive item off the registry!
Get Creative
Giving a wedding present is like giving any other kind of gift- the thought behind it MATTERS MOST! A wedding is one of the most important milestones in a person’s life. It is a time to be as generous as you can, but that doesn’t mean there is a one size fits all price tag! There are many creative and thoughtful ways to give a gift. Giving a gift from the heart has nothing to do with whether you can afford an expensive present off the registry or not, but it can be a way for you to be more generous than you could otherwise afford.
If you have a particular talent, a wedding is a great time to share it with the people you love. I had a friend who made & bound the leather guest sign-in book for our friends’ wedding. Another artist friend of mine illustrated her friends’ Ketubah. Our friend Vittoria handmade all of the party favors for Steph’s wedding, while a DJ friend made hours of playlists for the rehearsal dinner. And I myself designed Steph a handmade piece of pottery that I made just for her big day.
Pool Your Assets
If you don’t have a lot of money to spend, consider getting some friends together to buy a more expensive gift off the registry! It will mean the world to your friends for helping to fulfill one of their more extravagant wishes.
Going Single vs as a Couple
There is a lot of controversy out there on how much to spend on a gift if you go to the wedding alone or if you are in a couple. Think of it this way: the cost of the gift does not equal the price of admission into the party. The wedding gift should be thought of as more of a gesture that commemorates and helps the couple start their new life together. Hopefully they have invited you with a guest to add to the celebration, not necessarily to get a bigger gift. If you are single, this should not mean you pay less, and if you bring a date, it does not mean you NEED to pay more.
However, if you and your plus one are both friends of the newlyweds, you should spend a little more. It’s up to you and how much you’re comfortable spending. When it comes down to it, generosity within affordable means is the name of the game!
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Great article, but I have to disagree with one point– if you’re going as a couple, and it’s a fancy wedding, I think you have to give a bigger gift. It costs a couple (or their folks) double to have you and a guest attend, and there’s no reason that two people should give less of a gift than those same people would give coming separately.
Ok, so who should I make the check out to? The couple or the parents that footed the bill? If the parents are paying, do they expect the newlyweds to fork over all of the cash to pay the bill? Just wondering why some are suggesting your gift should cover the plate. Are parents financing their childrens weddings with the expectation of repayment?
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I don’t think its necessary to spend too much on a gift. About $100 seems fair to me, maybe more or less depending on how well you know the couple getting married.
Great article. One comment — if the wedding is in a big city (i.e., NYC, LA, DC, Chicago), it is likely costing more than $100 per person. So, $100 is a minimum acceptable to barely cover the cost of the wedding. If you actually care about the couple and want to be generous, give them more than the cost for you to attend.
Hey great to see another post from you – keep up the good work!
good choices.
As a recent bride from California (as well as recent graduate grad), I can attest to the high cost of a wedding, but can understand the financial constraints on wedding gifts for some guests. Creative gifts such as photoshopped wedding photographs after the ceremony or baking cookies as party favors are not only thoughtful but practical. However, I will have to disagree on the group gifts idea though as they complicate the organization process for the couple when they return from the honeymoon.
I don’t understand why the cost of the wedding should at all apply to the gift. Just like for our wedding, the event choices are either that of the bride and grooms or their parents. We usually don’t go to weddings because we need something more exciting for us to doe. People need to get a change of attitude. Weddings are held to celebrate the union – not to make a bunch of money to pay themselves back for hosting a party that they choose to host. It just amzes me that people have such high expectations of the gifts, when they should just be happy to be able to share the day with friends and family. Why is this such a strange idea any more?
Amen!!