Men, Money & Sex


by Stephanie Berenbaum – June 29, 2011

Is Going to a Strip Club Cheating?

Our friend “Linda” recently came to us with an issue she and her husband were having.  Initially she said it was a dispute about money and she wanted our Fab & Fru financial opinion. But as she spoke, it became clear once again just how often finances and feelings get intertwined … and gave a whole new meaning to the term Mad Money!

Mad Money and Marriage

Like a lot of couples we know, Linda and her husband, “Larry” allow themselves a certain amount of mad money each per month to spend on whatever they want.  Normally, Linda’s mad money goes towards shoes, while Larry tends to spend his on tech gadgets.  Pretty typical, even boring, right?

Is A Lap Dance a Legit Expense?

A few days ago, as Linda was trying on a new pair of shoes, she asked Larry what he bought with his spending cash this month.  Larry, without even looking up from his book, commented that he spent it in Vegas the previous week, at his friend Dan’s bachelor party.  Specifically, he spent it on lap dances at strip clubs!

Linda wasn’t sure what was more shocking – that her mild mannered, accountant hubby had blown hundreds of dollars on lap dances, or that he told her about it as casually as if he was asking her to dim the lights.

Is it Cheating?

Linda was beyond upset – in her mind Larry paying money to have naked women grind on him was equivalent to cheating!  Even if they didn’t technically have sex, it came (no pun intended) close enough! Linda was enraged – not only at the way he had spent money, but the fact they she actually felt betrayed by his actions.

Which led us all to a discussion of … lap dances and porn in generally. Not something that me and my girlfriends usually discuss.  For starters, is getting a lap dance tantamount to cheating?  What about looking at pornography on the internet?  And secondly, should there be conditions put on what couples can spend their mad money on?

The Naked Truth

First let’s address point A.  If you are paying to have a naked woman rub her body all over you — is it any different than paying for sex? Linda said she couldn’t help feeling betrayed, but most guys we spoke with said “all the guys do it” and in no way was it cheating! And, to be honest, a lot of our girlfriends didn’t think it was such a big deal either…

Does Money Make It Okay?

Now let’s look at it from another angle – here’s where money comes into play again.  Everyone we spoke with agreed if a married man meets a girl in a bar and the night ends with her rubbing her naked body all over him – that’s cheating – whether actual intercourse occurs or not. But once you add money into the equation and the men are paying for it – well then, that’s ok!?

Seems like the opposite of prostitution logic – whereas paying money for intercourse is a criminal activity, paying money for a non-intercourse sexual thrill legitimizes it?   Isn’t that sort of a double standard?  And speaking of double standards, it should come as no surprise that even though most guys we spoke with said paying for lap dances was no big deal, almost every guy we talked to said they would absolutely NOT be comfortable with their wife getting a lap dance from a man!

Lap Dances & Life Lessons

All of which brings us back to poor Linda and Larry.  She’s ready to pull them into a marriage counselor, and he thinks she is totally overreacting. SO – what’s your opinion of this dicey intersection between money and sex?  IS paying for sexual contact ever okay?

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30 Responses to “Men, Money & Sex”

  1. Chloe says:

    If a man (or woman for that matter) has to visit a strip club he does NOT need to be married! If my husband was visiting strip clubs, viewing porn, visiting sites/900 numbers, he would be DIVORCED. NO second chances!
    He knows it too!

  2. Liz says:

    when you are in a monogamous relationship you have decided to only share in any intimate perimeters with that person. In other words you are in a verbal contract to only be involved emotionally and sexually with your partner. When you go beyond that person for any reason you are showing a great deal of disrespect for the person you have made a personal promise too. If he was feeling neglected, practice self control man up and go to your partner and explain your needs. If they are not being addressed go to counseling or become single again.

    Thanks

  3. Hannah says:

    Okay. Reading this actual sparked some anger in me. I look at it as “Take a walk in her shoes.” Would “Larry” want his wife paying for a guy to shake his junk in her face or rub and feel on her breasts? If he dared answered yes to that question, he is stupid and ridiculous. I don’t feel that having a girl dance all over him is necessarily cheating. But yes. It is close enough and Linda has a right to feel betrayed. She should! I know I wouldn’t even stand for my fiance to be in that kind of environment. Much less looking up porn. I guess it’s the way I was raised. Larry should have some dang respect for his wife and not being doing such things. Yes he was at a bachelor’s party. But that doesn’t call for him doing what everyone else is doing. If they everyone was taking shots of heroine and jumping off cliffs to celebrate his friends “last day of freedom”, would he go along an do it. He should be grateful that Linda didn’t straight up end it with him when he told her what he did. And the way he told her casually, without a hint of regret in his voice… He deserved a big ol’ slap to his stupid face!!!!!

  4. jeffrey berry says:

    THE ACT ITSELF CAN AND OFTEN MAY LEAD UP TO HAVIN SEX I DONT BELIEVE IN GOIN TO A STRIP CLUB AT ALL I LOVE MY WIFE AND I WONT DO THAT IF I AM GONNA SPEND MONEY LIKE DAT WHY NOT GIVE IT TO THE WIFE AND LET HER DO IT LOL SOME THINGS MEN JUST SHOULDNT DO AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM IT CAN CAUSE A MARRIAGE TO BREAK-UP OR LEAD TO AN AFFAIR I STAY UP UNDER MY WIFE THAT WAY I DONT GET TEMPTED AT ALL CAUS SHE IS RIGHT THERE WITH ME BUT HE BROTHER NEEDS TO SWITCH PLACES WITH HIS WIFE AND SEE THINGS FROM HER PERSPECTIVE AND THEN HE MIGHT FEEL DIFFERENTLY…

  5. Mary says:

    This actually pissed me off because I was in the same predicament with my Fiancé. See my Fiancé is in the military and when he is stationed in Texas he spends all his money on girls in a club. I personally have dealt with the same thing that these 2 have. I think because I have dealt with the same thing I know what it is like, I consider that sort of act CHEATING. I have actually not had just the lap dance problem but he was also having sex with the girls. He has come home and showed pictures of these girls to some of his family members saying I had sex with this girl or that girl. What made me mad was that he knew I was sitting on the Recliner behind him, but he continued to do it. That situation almost broke us up! He also has told me that he is trying to save money for our Wedding, so he stopped going to clubs even to just play pool. I wish there was some sort of way to watch what he does everyday with getting caught.

    • jordan says:

      If you need to watch his every move to try to catch him you should not be marrying him. :( sorry. Getting married does not mean you have to police him – it is a partnership. Although I’m not that offended by guys going to strip clubs, him talking about sex in front of you means you need to ditch him for someone who respects you.

      • Angie says:

        Exactly it is a PARTNERSHIP and as your partner you will not be looking , having, dancing or even smelling anyone else but your wife and that is something that should be discussed prior to the nuptials. Men want all the freedom to do as they please with no issues, but if the wife does it, BOY! they are pissed. And this is why the divorce rate is so high because don’t take marriage seriously as previous years. Marriage is a beautiful thing to have a person truly love you and care for you and fight for you like no other the most pure thing in the world that is free. All you have to do is be true to yourself and your partner and be honest, and respectful. That is a character thing though.

      • Lorraine says:

        I wonder how he would feel if you did the same thing. Not too good I would imagine

  6. Lana says:

    Uh, for all of you in a lather over this-get over yourselves. When women write really stupid crap like “if a man has to visit a strip club” or “Would ‘Larry’ want his wife…” I get angry. GROW UP. Men aren’t like you. They aren’t ever going to think like you or act like you. The woman in the article is acting like a mad cow and her response to her husband’s getting a lap dance while at a bachelor party in Vegas with his friends (and I do think the bachelor party in Vegas is important, because this isn’t his every day life we’re dealing with here) is why men all over the world say women are crazy. I’ve been to strip clubs and guess what, lap dances are not now, nor have they ever been the equivalent of sex. In fact, I’ve gotten my husband a lap dance. The girls at the clubs are really nice to the wives that show up and so I too got a lap dance one night. So, I know from seeing it and experiencing it up close and personal, that it isn’t even close to sex. And guess what else? It wasn’t any big deal. If these women that are all up in arms, actually were approachable (not judgmental hags-and yes, if you got that upset over this post, you are in fact acting like a judgmental hag) your boyfriends, husbands, etc would tell you that they are turned on by the visual and by the up close and personal from the lap dance. Then they come home and you benefit from it. Now, if your man is going to the VIP rooms and the Champagne rooms, well, yeah, he’s getting some. But don’t any of you get all foamy at the mouth over a lap dance. It’s ridiculous. And, frankly, you’re the reason that all women get a bad name.

    • Sara says:

      you’re a mad cow lol

    • jordan says:

      I agree. It’s not about policing your man it’s about trusting him. He should NOT be having sex, but we all ogle over a hot guy in a magazine. When you put your guy in “prison” he is going to want to escape.

    • pirate says:

      It’s weird how you buy your husband lap dances. I find you to be quite knowledgable to the ways of strip clubs. Men who visit strip clubs are lonely. You commented on how men get turned on by visual and up close and personal lap dance, we all do. The men “all over the world” who call woman crazy, we are ALL crazy. Bottom line…strippers are gross, most respectable people agree. Before you call a bunch of woman crazy you should stop and think at your actions, maybe we think you are crazy. I do. Its all about respect. strip club men and woman like you who like strip clubs, have a sad view of woman in general. I can’t watch people degrade themselves. I don’t want to watch a drunk man wet himself, and I surely do not want to see a drugged naked woman dancing for money…

    • Lace says:

      I’ve been to strip clubs. I had a roommate that worked in one, in college.
      You are delusional if you think guys don’t try for “a little more” when they are there.
      You have a VERY RUDE AWAKENING coming to you sista if you believe it’s all innocent fun.
      Wait till it’s a man YOU LOVE rubbing on another woman &/or is having a rough spot in YOUR marriage & he’s already right there where “strange” is available, & he tips his toes over that line.
      THEN come back & tells us how innocent it all is.

      Silly girl

    • Margarita says:

      Lana writes that lap dances are not a big deal. For a single man, well, if he’s into it, it’s the time of his life to do so. I’ve been to strip clubs, cheap thrills, just like Chip n Dales was–back in the day. Yet, there are those clubs where the dancers do more than dance on a lap, and THAT IS CHEATING. Marriage is just a different purpose of being together and it is becoming so rare to have a man not affected with modern society’s notion of what’s acceptable, healthy behavior for married men. Marriage and monogamy isn’t natrual, it is spiritual, civilized and a bond meant to carry a couple in old age, which can be so difficult. We are not raising out sons to be good husbands anymore. Maybe we can’t or don’t know how to keep the boys away from the abundance of choices that will never create a committed and monogamous husband. Sad to say, but there seems to be nothing we can do as women and mothers to change the tide unless we take classes. It’s a social dilema and marriage will be outdated concept in the near future. I think marriage is best left to strong minded, strong willed maybe even religious individuals that really understand how a healthy marriage should look like and the rest of us who just feel so committed to our sexual expression, freedom and pleausure should just stay single and NEVER TELL SOMEONE WHO WANTS MORE FROM RELATIONSHIP AND/OR MARRIAGE “Let’s get married.” It’s okay, the world will not end if the new trend isn’t to get married when you grow up and so many will be spared the horrible pain and upheavel of divorce, kids don’t have to be comming from broken homes more than not……I don’t like being cheated on and I really wanted to be in a happy marriage with no porn or dancers to dwell on, but I never picked the right guy, or rather, never found him. I’m still looking. I have met men that are NOT into such things, but they already where found by a good and smart woman or just not interested in me….BUT THEY DO EXIST. We need to wait, enjoy life in the mean time. Yes, this is sad but true.

    • Angie says:

      Well Miss Judgmental as you sit there and call the rest of us WOMEN judgmental hags and you pass the judgmental card. I personally DO NOT need any help from some stripper trying to pay her way thru college to get MY man hot and bothered so he can come home and be with me. That happens naturally Nor is that something that my husband would even do. And prior to meeting my husband (18 yrs ago) he dated a stripper and knows that stripping is NOT all they do. They get paid to sleep around (NOT ALL OF THEM) My husband would not be caught dead with a women with such low self-esteem. I am 5’3 125 pounds after three children (BOYS) my husband and I are now grandparents and some of the best looking ones. I love the skin I am in…you my dear could not be MORE WRONG!!!and VERY JUDGEMENTAL

  7. Andrea says:

    to me that is cheating. the issue is not that there are girls doing it its that he got a lap dance from another female that waesnt the wife. if you love your single life so much then why get married or serious with someone. id be more the pissed off! if my husband ever says it in my face that he got a lap dance. theres no need to look for other girls to have fun if you have a “serious” partner or your married. then what are we wives or partners for?

  8. Barb says:

    Paying for any sexual contact is WRONG when you are married or in a relationship. I have learned that a person will do what he/she wants, when he/she wants to, and who he/she wants to do it with WITHOUT REGARD for the other person. A wedding vow is a thing of the past. It has no value any more. Partners do as they please for his/her pleasure. I always say “do to others what you want done to you.”

  9. Sara says:

    If a married man is paying for a lap dance, there is no way I would stay with him! I think most woman would agree that if they knew their man was paying for lap dances, they wouldnt have it. Paying for a lap dance is like paying for sex and in a way its like saying that your wife is not good enough! I do not think our men would like it if the situation was turned around.

  10. carol says:

    Sorry but if my husband gets a lap dance and comes home horny wanted sex with me, I would be appalled. I don’t want to have sex with someone who is fantasizing about the lap dance he just experienced. If a man wants to get a lap dance then go for it but that’s not the man for me. I think any woman who is okay with that has low self esteem.

  11. olivia says:

    IF a person looks at a another person with the intent of getting pleased and they are married yes it is a form of adultery in the bible it talks about that. i was in a eight year relationship with someone, had two kids by them and i found out that they had been going to stripclubs – that was taking food from the kids mouths and the bills – if people are in love with some one they would not want to hurt them. To them that person would be their one and only desire If a couple is bored with things they should talk to one another and come up with ideas to spice things up not run to other people to get them going. i agree people have no values anymore and that if you cant be committed to one person then stay single – don’t try to have your cake and eat it to. IT DOESN’T WORK.

  12. Lace says:

    I thought it was no big deal.. I went thru cancer treatments & sex was out-of-the-question (surgeries, nausea, migraines) so I thought it acceptable for my husband to go get his thrills from lap dances (since I was in NO CONDITION to be “with him” in a sexual manner)
    This opened a door I could not reclose. He felt that given the green light from me, gave him card blanc.
    In short- he made it a habit. Lap dances turned into much more. He spent $600 in a strip club Dec 23rd & wound up buying dollar store gifts for the family. A few years later, he went from buying dances & sex, to picking out one of the dancers as a girl friend. He started giving her more money than was going to OUR bills. The mortgage fell into forclosure 3 xs. I confronted him about ALL OF IT (I knew WAY MORE than he ever imagined). He had a mini heart attack. I left him September 26th 2011. On October 20th 2011 the house was gone. Forclosed on.
    It may start out innocent enough, but once you give you ok, no telling where or how far it may go.
    A married man (especially if he wants to remain a HAPPILY MARRIED MAN) should NOT be having a naked (or mostly naked) woman OTHER THAN HIS WIFE rubbing up against him. Most husbands would agree, if it was their WIFE getting a naked guy or even in a speedo rubbin all over HER, he would be contacting a divorce lawyer, or looking for his gun to shot one or both of them.
    Fine for single guys/gals.
    But marriage & strip clubs make a combustable mixture.
    Ask any DIVORCE LAWYER..

  13. Lacey says:

    I thought it was no big deal.. I went thru cancer treatments & sex was out-of-the-question (surgeries, nausea, migraines) so I thought it acceptable for my husband to go get his thrills from lap dances (since I was in NO CONDITION to be “with him” in a sexual manner)
    This opened a door I could not reclose. He felt that given the green light from me, gave him card blanc.
    In short- he made it a habit. Lap dances turned into much more. He spent $600 in a strip club Dec 23rd & wound up buying dollar store gifts for the family. A few years later, he went from buying dances & sex, to picking out one of the dancers as a girl friend. He started giving her more money than was going to OUR bills. The mortgage fell into forclosure 3 xs. I confronted him about ALL OF IT (I knew WAY MORE than he ever imagined). He had a mini heart attack. I left him September 26th 2011. On October 20th 2011 the house was gone. Forclosed on.
    It may start out innocent enough, but once you give you ok, no telling where or how far it may go.
    A married man (especially if he wants to remain a HAPPILY MARRIED MAN) should NOT be having a naked (or mostly naked) woman OTHER THAN HIS WIFE rubbing up against him. Most husbands would agree, if it was their WIFE getting a naked guy or even in a speedo rubbin all over HER, he would be contacting a divorce lawyer, or looking for his gun to shot one or both of them.
    Fine for single guys/gals.
    But marriage & strip clubs make a combustable mixture.
    Ask any DIVORCE LAWYER..

  14. Angie says:

    nicely done

  15. jessica says:

    i think that its cheating….. when your with someone no matter if your married or just dating what ever the case may, be you shouldn’t want or even think about going to a strip club or watching porn…
    if you have to go have other naked girls or guys for the women dance on you or watch it on the internet or even a DVD you shouldn’t be with anyone. I don’t understand why guys have these wonderful girls at home but yet they are willing to pay money and drive a distance just to have a different girl dance on the. Plus in some cases it does turn into just more than a dance there has been cases where the guy does sleep with strippers or even other girls that may for some reason be at the strip club i know this for a fact because my ex did it….its the worst pain anyone will ever go through if you truly LOVE your man.

  16. jessica says:

    If i had a choice i would get rid of those kinds of things……

  17. charity says:

    Why is this even a question? My husband would never be ok with me doing that and vise versa. If he is rubbing nude women ,sexting ,watching real live woman do sexual things he should not be your husband he should be your EX!

Any Thoughts?

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