Start Talking Money with Your Partner Now

So, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and you’re racking your brain to think of a great gift to give your mate… Well, before you break the bank on fancy chocolates and Champagne, we suggest actually TALKING about the bank – because having a money talk is sort of like a fabulous bikini wax – painful at first, but then well worth it!

It’s easy to put off these financial convos, so we advise making Valentine’s Day your deadline – and since no one wants to have the Money Talk ON Valentine’s Day itself, you’d better get on it right now! But where to start?  Check out these great tips from our fab friend, President and CEO of Women & Co., Linda Descano!  We love her suggestions on how to talk money with your honey:

Money Matters

Talking about money can be an emotionally charged subject, but it’s an important conversation for couples to have regularly.  No, it’s not romantic in the traditional sense.  And yes, you may disagree, but it’s better to figure out all of the “rules” to your financial relationship before a big bill comes in the mail or a hot financial issue arises.  Whether you’re a new couple thinking about the next steps or already settled in a happy marriage, it’s never too early or too late to have the talk.  So remove the emotion by treating the conversation like you would a business meeting: set a date, prepare, and establish some ground rules to help foster a stronger dialogue.

Figure Out Your Financial Styles

Just like you have your own personal style, you probably also have your own financial style.  Are you a saver, but your partner lives paycheck to paycheck?  What are each of your short-term and long-term financial goals? When do you use your credit cards?  The answer to all of these questions can shed some light on your individual financial styles.

By Megan Segura – October 24, 2011

Lessons from the Happily Married

A recent article in the New York Post had me running to the bookstore to buy a copy of The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Marred by Iris Krasnow.  As soon as I opened it, I didn’t want to put it down.  In the book, Krasnow takes us behind the curtains of several long-lasting marriages. Through their own words, these wives share what they consider to be their secret to staying committed.

While the sexual details in this book were positively stunning (a woman married for 32 years describing her swinger lifestyle..), it was the role money played in these relationships that I found so interesting.  Each woman reveals her own relationship to money within her marriage, and why she feels so strongly about making her own.  In fact, a major underlying theme of the book is how many of these women believe that their financial independence is a major key to their own happiness and therefore, the success of their marriages.

Hitting Hard Financial Times

I always assumed money troubles were only a problem in the beginning of marriages, and that over time work-related success and comprises over spending habits would settle those arguments.  However, the author of this book paints a different picture.  She writes, “As the recession is flattening many professions, (therapists’ and lawyers’) practices are flourishing.  Remembering your marital commitment to hang in there during tough times has never been more challenging as more husbands, who for years, went to work in Duke of Windsor-style suits are schlepping around in bathrobes scouring want ads, and women have to pick up the slack.”

Losing Your Bread & Butter

A couple of women in the book share their resentment toward having to work because a husband has been laid off.  They feel as though the rug has been pulled out from under their feet – and it has.  However, being willing and able to contribute the household finances does not only help to alleviate the obvious strain on the family bank account, but just the ideas of team work can help take some of the stress and pressure off the relationship.

One woman named Jade writes, “When money is a problem in marriage, everything else is impacted.  Money worries can negatively color pretty much everything else in your life.  Money is the thing that enables many of the wonderful dimension of your life to exist, and the lack of money kills so many other dimensions.  If you are worried about day-to-day sustenance, guess what? Are you going to be in the mood for sex? Are you going to be pleasant and happy? Probably not.” According to the book,  it seems women who work are able to keep their marital money problems more successfully at bay, than women who don’t…

By Brandi Savitt – October 20, 2011

…And Knowing When Not To

In the middle of my first date with Sam, he brought up that he was in an “interesting situation” and wanted my opinion.  His ex-wife (who he was still friends with) had just asked him to co-sign a mortgage for her and her new husband.  Yep, I had never heard that one before…  And although I was a bit surprised that he wanted my opinion when we barely knew each other, I totally dove in, and we ended up having a really good conversation about it.  It crossed my mind that maybe he was trying to get me to think he was a good guy for considering lending them money, and in the end, that’s exactly how I felt.

On date two, he gave me a brief update that he had wisely decided not to co-sign the loan, and we went on to have a really good time.  But then on date number three, Sam revealed that before his ex remarried, he would often lend her money.  She had paid him back for some of the loans but not others, and there was one outstanding loan from three years ago that he really wanted back.  This conversation went on through most of dinner, and by the end of it, I realized there  may be a much bigger issue going on – one that I had no interest in exploring…

When Not to Talk About Personal Finances

While the whole spirit and message of Fab & Fru is to encourage people to talk more about money, there is a time and a place for everything.  Talking about your personal finances to people you don’t know well can be tricky, because our personal finances are just that – personal. And even if you’re comfortable sharing, if you don’t know your audience well, you may give off the wrong impression.

What Are You Really Saying?

Let’s take my situation with Sam.  At first I didn’t mind talking about the potential pitfalls of co-signing a loan for someone or how to ask for your money back from a loved one.  However, after several hours of talking about it just over the course of three dates, I couldn’t help but wonder if any of this was really about money at all.  Sam had unresolved issues with his ex wife.  Was he still in love with her?  Was this his way of staying connected to her or feeling in control?   Was it a power move, or did he need to feel needed?  It doesn’t really matter if any of my thoughts were true.  The result was, I started to question his intentions, and unfortunately, I started to analyze and judge.

How to Talk About Money

Now, I’m not saying that you MUST refrain from talking about all personal financial situations until you know someone super well, but learning how to talk about money is a skill worth exploring. Choose your topic carefully and don’t get too personal unless the conversation naturally takes you there.   And you don’t have to flat out ask someone how much they make to be offensive.  Someone who talks too much about their own fortune – or misfortune – can come off equally obnoxious.  Always respect others privacy and respect yourself.  Don’t turn someone off before they get to know the real you!

Owning the Choices We Make

After being out of the dating circuit for much of 2011, I recently went to dinner with a man who halfway into the meal looked at me in the eye, smiled and asked, “How is it that a girl like you hasn’t been married yet?”  While I think this was meant to be a complement, as a woman in her mid thirties (okay, late thirties), my reaction was more that of shame rather than feeling flattered.  Honestly, I just simply hate that question.  And this guy actually wanted an answer!

I instantly felt like a teenager getting caught sneaking into the house after curfew, and all of the blood in my body rushed into my cheeks.  And while my mind raced to formulate an answer that didn’t sound cliche,  he said the dreaded super cheesy words anyway – ” Is it because you’ve been focusing too much on your career?”  Oh c’mon, seriously man…!

He of course had already been married and divorced, as if it were a modern day badge of honor.  Did I miss the boat by not marrying the wrong person at least once, rather than choosing to wait for Mr. Right?

I Don’t Know How She Does It

Speaking of modern day cliches about women… I then woke up this morning only to hear a movie critic bash Sarah Jessica Parker’s new movie “I Don’t Know How She Does It”.  The over told tale of a high powered working mom trying to juggle her career, her kids and her marriage without falling apart or having the time to enjoy any part of her life.  Will this be my life when I do get married and have kids?  No thank you.  Is entirely over extending yourself the only way you can have it all? …Maybe they should rename the movie “I Don’t Know WHY She Does It.”

The Choice Is Yours

The truth is we all make choices, right?  Some are for money.  Some are for love.  And some are for happiness.  The bottom line is, there are very few things that we do in life that do not involve choice – even when something happens that is out of our control.  The choices we make shape who we are, and that’s a beautiful thing if you allow yourself to be aware of it.  Even when we are feeling overwhelmed or wishing something in our lives would change, realizing it is our own choices that have gotten us to where we are today is empowering.  It means we have the power to change and grow.  It helps us open our eyes to what we already have.  This all may be veiled as the plight of the modern woman, but the message is age old – think “The Wizard of Oz”…

The Grass Isn’t Necessarily Greener…

So, whether you are a stay at home mom wishing you were a CEO, a working mom who feels guilty you don’t spend enough quality time with your kids, or you’re a single career woman trying to decide if it’s time to settle down, it is human nature to want more — and in this day and age to sometimes want less…  So, take a moment and stop stressing out.  You’re not doing anything wrong.  But, if you want something to change, start by looking at all that you already have and be grateful.  The way we look at the world is everything.  And the choice is yours.

By Megan Segura – September 14, 2011

New With Nothing to Do

As someone who has moved around a bit, I can tell you that after each relocation I have found myself with a lot of lonely downtime left to fill.  Once the stress and excitement dies down, finding some fun, fast – and affordable – ways to enjoy my new town is essential if I’m ever going to acclimate.

Sure, if you have all the money in the world, you can buy your way into a ton of exciting events, but that’s not always the case.  Throughout my own travels and experiences, here are some tips that have helped me explore my new digs while keeping me entertained on a budget!

Get Into Your Hobby

Your personal hobby is the key to finding fun. For example, I love movies, so I started following a local film center on Twitter. Through this small act, I was able to find out about a small screening of a movie with a Q & A afterward with its star-studded cast. The best part? It was completely free!

Another idea would be joining a book club or another hobby-related organization. When I lived in Austin (pet-friendly capital of the world), I saw a group of 20 people gathering at a park. Each had a cute little pug in tow. Upon further investigation, I found out they met through a pug owner Meetup group. No matter how specific or absurd your personal interest may be, there is most definitely a group you.

Be A Tourist in Your Own City

It wasn’t until about 5 years after I left my hometown of Dallas, TX that I learned you can take a JFK Assassination Tour. Morbid? Yes. More surprising, however, was that I never knew that sort of thing existed! We tend to get into ruts and complain that we’re bored.  So, when you find yourself looking for something to do, look up your city’s tourism sites. You might be surprised to find a cheap, fun activity to do on a Saturday afternoon that will take you to a part of you city you’ve never explored before!

Get Sporty

A couple of years ago in Texas, I joined a co-ed adult softball league. Trust me when I tell you I am not athletic in the least, but I was told it’s more about the drinking and socializing than the actual playing – and they were right!  My husband and I just joined up with a team in NYC and have already met some great friends.  Again, nobody cares if you can’t play – they’re in it to make friends and have fun, too.

Check Out the Blogs

I, myself, am no expert when it comes to finding amazing entertainment-oriented deals, but since my recent move to NYC, I’m learning fast.  I have found that a simple search on Google can actually lead you to the real experts – people who make a living out of searching for fun, free things to do on the weekends.  A great example of this is Daily Candy. Their newsletters are great for alerting residents of a new business or local happenings.  Also, sign up for Groupon and Living Social.  Their daily deals lead you to the new hot spots in town – all at a substantial discount!

What’s your favorite cheap & fun activity?

By Brandi Savitt – August 15, 2011

Is It Ever Okay for the Guy NOT to Pay?

This past weekend I went on a first date with a handsome but quiet Italian attorney, while my friend Amy had a first rendezvous with a cute and witty web designer she met online.  During our ‘date debrief’ on Sunday, we sipped our tea and chuckled over the awkward moments from the night before.  I told Amy how my guy ordered a delicious bottle of Italian wine but struggled to talk about anything but work.  And then she told me that when the check came at the end of her date and she offered to pay her share, the guy happily took her cash just before asking her when he could see her again!  Say what?!

In the moment, Amy felt fine about splitting the bill.  As a career woman who has traveled the world by herself, it didn’t intellectually make sense that Web Guy should have to foot the entire bill for their date.  It is 2011 after all.  But the more she thought about it – and the more honest she was with herself- she admitted it was a total turnoff.

Let the People Talk

After comparing my stereotypical date with a true gentleman to Amy’s more modern day meet and greet, I set out to talk to as many people as I could this morning to get their opinion on who they thought should pay for the first date in this day and age.  To my surprise, 10 out of 10 (both men & women between the ages of 23-40) said the guy should always pay on the first date – even if the woman asks them out!

It seems although we live in a post feminist world where stay-at-home dads are a.o.k with their wives bringing home the bacon, the New Yorkers I talked to ALL felt that when it comes to dating, tradition rules.  The guy pays on the first date, or there shouldn’t be another…

Money & Mating Rituals

While it seems totally archaic to say out loud, could these 10 educated professionals living in this giant modern city all have it backwards?  So, I asked them WHY.  Why does the guy feel the need to pay?  What does it mean to the women if the guy doesn’t pay?  Is the nature of courtship solely based on tradition?  Or is the man’s need to woo, and the woman’s need to be wooed, something more rooted in biology?  And while my brief Fab & Fru Q&A session was certainly not ground-breaking science, it did show that when it comes to dating -money does matter- at least in the moment…

What the Ladies Said…

Although it was hard for some of them to articulate at first, and a few of the ladies seemed embarrassed to admit it, the bottom line was that they all felt disrespected by a man not picking up the tab on the first date.   Most of the women said they always offer to pay, but they are put off when a guy accepts their polite gesture.  At the end of the day, society still dictates that the man pays for the first date. It’s a customary mating gesture, and tradition counts when it comes to love and trust.  The consensus:  a guy who doesn’t pay sends a negative message, and none of these ladies would likely go out with him again.

By Brandi Savitt – July 8, 2011

The Finances of Love

A couple years ago, our friend Liz was on a business trip across country when she randomly ran into her long lost college sweetheart Jared.  Both single – and both smitten – the two embarked on a long distance love affair on the fast track to eternal bliss.  A year later, Liz took the plunge, quit her job, moved to Boulder and into Jared’s house. Could their story be more romantic?  All of us were just waiting for our wedding invitations to arrive.   But soon after Liz moved in, their movie-made romance turned ugly. The culprit? Money!

So: Are you madly in love and ready to take that next step by moving in together?  Living together is exciting, but it’s also a HUGE step.  So before diving head first into playing house, you and your partner MUST sit down and have a serious talk about money, expenses and the future of your finances!

Do You Have the Same Financial Plan?

Even if you’re married, talking about money with your partner is not easy.  But just because you’re not married doesn’t mean you should avoid the topic altogether.  Sharing expenses with ANYONE, let alone with someone you are establishing a home and a life with, warrants a good sit down. In fact, it should be a REQUIREMENT!

How are the bills going to be split?  Who pays when you go out at night?  Are you getting a place together, or is one of you moving into the other person’s home?  What happens if one of you makes more money?  The list continues…  However, the point is: if you want to grow together as a couple, you must be able to communicate and be open to each others expectations on all fronts.

Keep Your Finances Separate

When I asked Liz if she thought it was a good idea for couples to open a joint bank account right away, she said: ‘No way”!  Because she and Jared really believed that they were going to get married in the very near future, they agreed to split the big costs, but they were very loose about the rest – which got them into trouble.  And to this day, there is enormous resentment over who owes who what!

Liz feels that by keeping your expenses and your money separate, not only will you feel more in control of your own financial future, but it makes money very clear until you are ready to take that next step toward a bigger commitment.

By Stephanie Berenbaum – July 7, 2011

Tips to Help Save Your Maids Money

It is of course an honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid.  Having said that, anyone who has been a “maid” knows that there are lots of costs involved – some financial, others involving your dignity!

Over drinks with a few friends, Fab & Fru started reminiscing about the good, bad and the (seriously) ugly of being a bridesmaid.  All those cocktails resulted in an open letter of sorts to brides everywhere who are about to ask their closest friends to go down the wedding path (petal strewn or otherwise) with them!  So, Brides to Be, please keep the following in mind:

Friendship Can Really Add Up

Brandi did a quick calculation and determined that over the past ten years, she has likely spent over $3,000 on bridesmaids dresses!  While she was happy to stand up for each and every friend and relative, and most of the dresses were quite pretty, she hasn’t been able to wear any of them since… So, brides, PLEASE take into account that even though this is your special day, and you want to feel like a princess, your friends almost certainly do not have the budgets to dress like royalty!

Paying to Look Like Everyone Else

And while we’re on the topic of picking bridesmaid dresses, we have to ask — isn’t it usually considered to be totally embarrassing to show up to a party wearing the same dress as another guest? We’re not sure why it’s ok to do this at weddings, but nowhere else!

But one thing we are sure of – no matter WHAT the bride says, that one dress she’s picked out will NOT look good on everyone. It just won’t. Our one friend Liz commented this really added insult to injury – to spend loads of money on a dress you’ll never wear again and then to feel like people are comparing which “maid” looks best in the dress.  So, brides: Consider choosing a color or style, and let your friends pick the actual dress so they can look their best!

Don’t Forget the Shoes!

We all sat around reminiscing of the crazy shades of shoes we’ve been forced to have “dyed to match” – this is especially useful when the bridesmaid’s dress is so long that no one can see your shoes anyway.  Our friend Kelly talked sort of wistfully of the rejected pile of sea foam green, blush, and maize colored satin-y shoes relegated to the back of her closet.  Again, brides, give your friends a break – if you’re not going to be able to see their shoes anyway, don’t ask them to spend more on matching pumps – let them shop in their own closets instead!

Is Hair & Makeup Included?

Our friend Amanda was recounting a wedding that she was in where the bride insisted that they all get their hair and makeup professionally done – and asked the bridesmaids to cover the costs!  So, brides, we understand wanting your maids to look their most beautiful, and it’s one thing if you want to treat your friends to a fun afternoon glam session, but please, do not expect your maids to cover this expense!

by Brandi Savitt – June 30, 2011

When Romance & Practicality Collide

In just a couple of short weeks, our dear friends Sam and Lila will say “I do” in front of their closest family members under the apple tree in Lila’s parent’s backyard.  Twenty relatives, NO friends, a simple dinner at the local steakhouse, and NO honeymoon.  Why?  Sam and Lila want to buy a condo in Brooklyn…

Starting Off on the Right Foot?

Some of their close friends were a bit stunned at first by their decision – and were  sad that they wouldn’t be able to celebrate with them on their special day.  But, you know, who could really blame them for wanting to start their married life off with a stronger financial foundation?!  They had always planned to have a big celebration and then go off on a romantic island vacation – seaside cabana and all…but things changed when Lila’s parents offered them a $20,000 cash gift to use towards their wedding OR buying a house!  Having already started a house fund of their own, all of a sudden their dream of home ownership could actually be an instant reality!

But what about the romance of a big celebratory ceremony, reception and honeymoon to commemorate your nuptials?  Is there something to all of that tradition that helps a marriage start off on the emotional right foot? If your marriage is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime event, isn’t your wedding the time to REALLY enjoy yourself and your loved ones if you can afford to do it up right?

What is Most Important to Both of You?

As we all know, the wedding industry is BIG business, and many brides (and grooms) want their special day to be as memorable as possible.  But what does that really mean?  The answer is: IT’S DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE!  The KEY to starting your life off together on the right path is not a new house or a big party, it’s –COMMUNICATION!  Sit down with your partner and discuss what is most important to each of you when it comes to your actual wedding, your family’s expectations, and your financial future together.  Not only will your honesty bring you closer together, but really listening to each others desires and fears, and coming to a decision TOGETHER will set the precedent for the many difficult discussions that will come up throughout your married life.

Weigh the Pros & Cons

When it comes to budgeting and planning for your wedding, honeymoon and financial well being – literally start off by making a list.  It may sound silly, but weighing the pros and cons WILL help you both prioritize what is most important and bring perspective to your planning process.  Has it always been your dream to have your friends and family send you off with a bang, or go to Tuscany with the love of your life?  Or is starting to house hunt top of your list?  Remember, you only live once and life has a tendency to get in the way – so Carpe Diem!  Just remember -  NEVER should you, your parents, or anyone contributing to your wedding EVER go into debt as a result.  With the exception of a new affordable monthly mortgage – starting a marriage off in debt is a BAD BAD IDEA!

No Regrets Allowed

While many women say they wished they had eloped and used their wedding money to buy a home, many others feel that their wedding was the most precious and most memorable day of their lives.  Whatever you decide – try never to say “what if”!

For all you married ladies out there, what do you think?  Is a big wedding and honeymoon worth it?  Or is practicality the way to go? If you could do all over again – what would you do?!

by Stephanie Berenbaum – June 29, 2011

Is Going to a Strip Club Cheating?

Our friend “Linda” recently came to us with an issue she and her husband were having.  Initially she said it was a dispute about money and she wanted our Fab & Fru financial opinion. But as she spoke, it became clear once again just how often finances and feelings get intertwined … and gave a whole new meaning to the term Mad Money!

Mad Money and Marriage

Like a lot of couples we know, Linda and her husband, “Larry” allow themselves a certain amount of mad money each per month to spend on whatever they want.  Normally, Linda’s mad money goes towards shoes, while Larry tends to spend his on tech gadgets.  Pretty typical, even boring, right?

Is A Lap Dance a Legit Expense?

A few days ago, as Linda was trying on a new pair of shoes, she asked Larry what he bought with his spending cash this month.  Larry, without even looking up from his book, commented that he spent it in Vegas the previous week, at his friend Dan’s bachelor party.  Specifically, he spent it on lap dances at strip clubs!

Linda wasn’t sure what was more shocking – that her mild mannered, accountant hubby had blown hundreds of dollars on lap dances, or that he told her about it as casually as if he was asking her to dim the lights.

Is it Cheating?

Linda was beyond upset – in her mind Larry paying money to have naked women grind on him was equivalent to cheating!  Even if they didn’t technically have sex, it came (no pun intended) close enough! Linda was enraged – not only at the way he had spent money, but the fact they she actually felt betrayed by his actions.

Which led us all to a discussion of … lap dances and porn in generally. Not something that me and my girlfriends usually discuss.  For starters, is getting a lap dance tantamount to cheating?  What about looking at pornography on the internet?  And secondly, should there be conditions put on what couples can spend their mad money on?

The Naked Truth

First let’s address point A.  If you are paying to have a naked woman rub her body all over you — is it any different than paying for sex? Linda said she couldn’t help feeling betrayed, but most guys we spoke with said “all the guys do it” and in no way was it cheating! And, to be honest, a lot of our girlfriends didn’t think it was such a big deal either…

Does Money Make It Okay?

Now let’s look at it from another angle – here’s where money comes into play again.  Everyone we spoke with agreed if a married man meets a girl in a bar and the night ends with her rubbing her naked body all over him – that’s cheating – whether actual intercourse occurs or not. But once you add money into the equation and the men are paying for it – well then, that’s ok!?

Seems like the opposite of prostitution logic – whereas paying money for intercourse is a criminal activity, paying money for a non-intercourse sexual thrill legitimizes it?   Isn’t that sort of a double standard?  And speaking of double standards, it should come as no surprise that even though most guys we spoke with said paying for lap dances was no big deal, almost every guy we talked to said they would absolutely NOT be comfortable with their wife getting a lap dance from a man!

Lap Dances & Life Lessons

All of which brings us back to poor Linda and Larry.  She’s ready to pull them into a marriage counselor, and he thinks she is totally overreacting. SO – what’s your opinion of this dicey intersection between money and sex?  IS paying for sexual contact ever okay?