by Stephanie Berenbaum – May 10, 2012

Did You Know…

President Obama’s landmark support of same-sex marriage this week (coupled with North Carolina’s decision to make it and civil unions illegal) really got us thinking.  Though we’ve always been supporters of same-sex marriage, we realized we were pretty ignorant of the financial implications of being a gay couple – even if you are married in a state where gay marriage is legal (Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, Vermont & Washington D.C.)  Here’s a brief look at some of the issues unfairly affecting homosexual couples ….and their finances!

DOMA

DOMA is the “Defense of Marriage Act” – signed into federal law in 1996 by that noted defender of “traditional” marriage – Bill Clinton – believe it or not... DOMA states that for federal purposes, only heterosexual marriage is legally recognized.  So, even if you live in a state where gay marriage is legal, financial complications arise for gay couples when it comes to benefits that fall under the jurisdiction of the federal government.  And you thought YOUR taxes were complicated!

Federal vs State Taxes

Let’s say, for example, you are a gay married couple living in New York State.  Even though you can file your taxes jointly at the state level, you still need to file separately at the federal level.  So, for your state return you are married, but for your federal return you’re NOT.  Not only does this result in additional tax preparation fees for the couple,  there are many federal tax benefits and deductions that heterosexual couples receive that are not available to homosexual couples.  Check out this link from the Family Equality Council for more info!

Health Benefits

I have to admit, I had no idea about the disparity in taxation of health benefits between heterosexual and homosexual couples.  According to the Family Equality Council, “LGBT families with health benefits have higher taxable wages. If LGBT families receive family health benefits from an employer, they pay federal tax on the value of those benefits, even if the employer provides them at no cost.  Married heterosexual families receive these same benefits tax-free.” 

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

Sadly, the number one cause of divorce is MONEY.  Crazy, right? But the truth is so many couples have no clue how to approach potentially super awkward topics like finances…and when you leave financial topics to fester, it can lead straight to heartbreak…

So, for all of you who ever wished you had a psychic to decipher what your guy may really be thinking about your spending habits – and his own – Fab & Fru has come to your rescue.  We have gathered up our own personal advisory board of men to give you the insider scoop on how, when and why you should approach your man about money issues – before it turns into World War Three!

So ladies, get your questions ready!  From the veteran husband & father – to the newlywed – to the serial boyfriend, we have a panel of guys that want to help give YOU insight into your man’s head, heart and wallet.

Speaking straight from their experienced guts, none of our Fab & Fru guys are licensed therapists.  They’re just a collective of opinionated, yet fun loving fellas who believe they can help women get more of what they need and want out of their relationships, by arming them with the male perspective on money BEFORE an argument ensues – Free of charge!

LADIES, DON’T BE SHY.  LEAVE YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENT SECTION BELOW, AND WE’LL GET YOU YOUR ANSWER ASAP!

by Brandi Savitt – March 1, 2012

The Changing Face of the American Family

The recent New York Times article, “For Women Under 30, Most Births Occur Outside of Marriage,” really got us thinking about motherhood, money and marriage.   The story addresses the changing face of family in the U.S., and how illegitimacy no longer has the same stigma for young unmarried mothers – in fact, it is the new norm.

And while 59% of all women who give birth in the US are married, it is the generation of young mothers under 30 who have tipped the scales the other way – with the biggest jump among white women in their 20′s.  So, why are so many young women choosing NOT to walk down the aisle?  Is it possible that men are phasing themselves out of their role in society and don’t even know it?

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

In the tradition of marriage, the notion that you marry for love is relatively new.  In fact, it was not until the 1920′s that dating became a popular trend.  Historically, marriage was a simple economic union between families.  It was our human need to ensure our survival and better our position in society.  And while most of us today shudder at the thought of living in a loveless marriage, the economic need for a woman to wed has typically outweighed that of men – that is, until now…

Gender Role Reversal

According to a Pew Research Center study, between 1970 and 2007 the education and income levels of married men and women have completely flip flopped.  Until the last couple of decades, more men completed college and were the sole bread winners of the household.  But today, the tables have turned…

The 2009 Labor Census showed that when the recession hit in 2008, 75% of the decline in unemployment was among men of  prime working age, while the growth rate of women in the workforce actually increased.  Plus, there are more women today graduating from college than men, and the dual income household is commonplace - with many women making more than their husbands.  All of these changing  factors have greatly increased the man’s economic need to marry while decreasing the financial motive for women.

by Alexandra Pauline – February 13, 2012

The Cost of Dating in Cyberspace

Love is in the air, and online dating is no longer taboo – in fact, it’s the norm!  This once shunned route to finding love now serves 30% of internet users worldwide, according to the New York Daily News.

Given the current state of the economy, not everyone can afford to join a paid online dating service.  But fear not – there are plenty of free ones out there too!  Whether you’re looking for a night on the town or a long term relationship, Fab & Fru has laid out the pros, cons and prices of some of the most popular dating sites to help guide you down the path to love!

Perfect Harmony

One of the top rated sites for meeting your mate is eharmony.com.  The website, which sells it’s self as the #1 place to “Meet singles prescreened for compatibility instead of just browsing personals” costs $44.95 a month for their basic three month subscription, $33.95 per month for six months and $23.95 for twelve months.  To join, you fill out a questionnaire from which they determine your best matches based on “29 key dimensions” (I didn’t even know I had that many dimensions, to be honest) and they send you only the best matches to peruse, thereby doing a lot of the work for you.

Religion and Romance

If you are looking for someone who shares your religious views, niche sites have become all the rage!  The popular Jewish dating site JDate costs $39.99 a month for their month to month package, $33.33 a month for 3 months and $24.99 a month if you opt for their 6 month package!

And if you’re looking for a guy you can take to church you might want to give Christianmingle.com a try – they are one of the least expensive paid dating sites at only $13.99 a month for their basic package!

Meet Your Match 

Top ranked paid dating site Match.com will cost you $35.99 per month for their one month plan, $19.99 per month for their standard 3 month plan, and $17.99 per month for their standard, and $19.99 for their premium 6 month plan – which offers email notifications and a highlighted profile.  Not only that, they also offer a deal to help lower the cost of love!  If you sign up for a six-month pre-paid membership, be it standard or premium, you also receive their “Make Love Happen Guarentee,” which boasts that if you don’t find a partner within 6 months, the next 6 months of your membership is free!

Low-Cost Cupid

OkCupid.com stacks up as the number 1 free dating website with 1.2 million visitors in December 2011 alone! In fact, they bill themselves as the “Best Dating Site on EARTH”.  That’s quite a claim.  And if you are willing to pay $9.95 a month, you get the right to search the site anonymously – in fact if you join now you can take advantage of their $4.95 “anonymous” promotion!  Filled with games, quizzes and their new iPhone app, OkCupid is known as the new age daters playground!

Start Talking Money with Your Partner Now

So, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and you’re racking your brain to think of a great gift to give your mate… Well, before you break the bank on fancy chocolates and Champagne, we suggest actually TALKING about the bank – because having a money talk is sort of like a fabulous bikini wax – painful at first, but then well worth it!

It’s easy to put off these financial convos, so we advise making Valentine’s Day your deadline – and since no one wants to have the Money Talk ON Valentine’s Day itself, you’d better get on it right now! But where to start?  Check out these great tips from our fab friend, President and CEO of Women & Co., Linda Descano!  We love her suggestions on how to talk money with your honey:

Money Matters

Talking about money can be an emotionally charged subject, but it’s an important conversation for couples to have regularly.  No, it’s not romantic in the traditional sense.  And yes, you may disagree, but it’s better to figure out all of the “rules” to your financial relationship before a big bill comes in the mail or a hot financial issue arises.  Whether you’re a new couple thinking about the next steps or already settled in a happy marriage, it’s never too early or too late to have the talk.  So remove the emotion by treating the conversation like you would a business meeting: set a date, prepare, and establish some ground rules to help foster a stronger dialogue.

Figure Out Your Financial Styles

Just like you have your own personal style, you probably also have your own financial style.  Are you a saver, but your partner lives paycheck to paycheck?  What are each of your short-term and long-term financial goals? When do you use your credit cards?  The answer to all of these questions can shed some light on your individual financial styles.

By Megan Segura – October 24, 2011

Lessons from the Happily Married

A recent article in the New York Post had me running to the bookstore to buy a copy of The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Marred by Iris Krasnow.  As soon as I opened it, I didn’t want to put it down.  In the book, Krasnow takes us behind the curtains of several long-lasting marriages. Through their own words, these wives share what they consider to be their secret to staying committed.

While the sexual details in this book were positively stunning (a woman married for 32 years describing her swinger lifestyle..), it was the role money played in these relationships that I found so interesting.  Each woman reveals her own relationship to money within her marriage, and why she feels so strongly about making her own.  In fact, a major underlying theme of the book is how many of these women believe that their financial independence is a major key to their own happiness and therefore, the success of their marriages.

Hitting Hard Financial Times

I always assumed money troubles were only a problem in the beginning of marriages, and that over time work-related success and comprises over spending habits would settle those arguments.  However, the author of this book paints a different picture.  She writes, “As the recession is flattening many professions, (therapists’ and lawyers’) practices are flourishing.  Remembering your marital commitment to hang in there during tough times has never been more challenging as more husbands, who for years, went to work in Duke of Windsor-style suits are schlepping around in bathrobes scouring want ads, and women have to pick up the slack.”

Losing Your Bread & Butter

A couple of women in the book share their resentment toward having to work because a husband has been laid off.  They feel as though the rug has been pulled out from under their feet – and it has.  However, being willing and able to contribute the household finances does not only help to alleviate the obvious strain on the family bank account, but just the ideas of team work can help take some of the stress and pressure off the relationship.

One woman named Jade writes, “When money is a problem in marriage, everything else is impacted.  Money worries can negatively color pretty much everything else in your life.  Money is the thing that enables many of the wonderful dimension of your life to exist, and the lack of money kills so many other dimensions.  If you are worried about day-to-day sustenance, guess what? Are you going to be in the mood for sex? Are you going to be pleasant and happy? Probably not.” According to the book,  it seems women who work are able to keep their marital money problems more successfully at bay, than women who don’t…

By Brandi Savitt – October 20, 2011

…And Knowing When Not To

In the middle of my first date with Sam, he brought up that he was in an “interesting situation” and wanted my opinion.  His ex-wife (who he was still friends with) had just asked him to co-sign a mortgage for her and her new husband.  Yep, I had never heard that one before…  And although I was a bit surprised that he wanted my opinion when we barely knew each other, I totally dove in, and we ended up having a really good conversation about it.  It crossed my mind that maybe he was trying to get me to think he was a good guy for considering lending them money, and in the end, that’s exactly how I felt.

On date two, he gave me a brief update that he had wisely decided not to co-sign the loan, and we went on to have a really good time.  But then on date number three, Sam revealed that before his ex remarried, he would often lend her money.  She had paid him back for some of the loans but not others, and there was one outstanding loan from three years ago that he really wanted back.  This conversation went on through most of dinner, and by the end of it, I realized there  may be a much bigger issue going on – one that I had no interest in exploring…

When Not to Talk About Personal Finances

While the whole spirit and message of Fab & Fru is to encourage people to talk more about money, there is a time and a place for everything.  Talking about your personal finances to people you don’t know well can be tricky, because our personal finances are just that – personal. And even if you’re comfortable sharing, if you don’t know your audience well, you may give off the wrong impression.

What Are You Really Saying?

Let’s take my situation with Sam.  At first I didn’t mind talking about the potential pitfalls of co-signing a loan for someone or how to ask for your money back from a loved one.  However, after several hours of talking about it just over the course of three dates, I couldn’t help but wonder if any of this was really about money at all.  Sam had unresolved issues with his ex wife.  Was he still in love with her?  Was this his way of staying connected to her or feeling in control?   Was it a power move, or did he need to feel needed?  It doesn’t really matter if any of my thoughts were true.  The result was, I started to question his intentions, and unfortunately, I started to analyze and judge.

How to Talk About Money

Now, I’m not saying that you MUST refrain from talking about all personal financial situations until you know someone super well, but learning how to talk about money is a skill worth exploring. Choose your topic carefully and don’t get too personal unless the conversation naturally takes you there.   And you don’t have to flat out ask someone how much they make to be offensive.  Someone who talks too much about their own fortune – or misfortune – can come off equally obnoxious.  Always respect others privacy and respect yourself.  Don’t turn someone off before they get to know the real you!

Owning the Choices We Make

After being out of the dating circuit for much of 2011, I recently went to dinner with a man who halfway into the meal looked at me in the eye, smiled and asked, “How is it that a girl like you hasn’t been married yet?”  While I think this was meant to be a complement, as a woman in her mid thirties (okay, late thirties), my reaction was more that of shame rather than feeling flattered.  Honestly, I just simply hate that question.  And this guy actually wanted an answer!

I instantly felt like a teenager getting caught sneaking into the house after curfew, and all of the blood in my body rushed into my cheeks.  And while my mind raced to formulate an answer that didn’t sound cliche,  he said the dreaded super cheesy words anyway – ” Is it because you’ve been focusing too much on your career?”  Oh c’mon, seriously man…!

He of course had already been married and divorced, as if it were a modern day badge of honor.  Did I miss the boat by not marrying the wrong person at least once, rather than choosing to wait for Mr. Right?

I Don’t Know How She Does It

Speaking of modern day cliches about women… I then woke up this morning only to hear a movie critic bash Sarah Jessica Parker’s new movie “I Don’t Know How She Does It”.  The over told tale of a high powered working mom trying to juggle her career, her kids and her marriage without falling apart or having the time to enjoy any part of her life.  Will this be my life when I do get married and have kids?  No thank you.  Is entirely over extending yourself the only way you can have it all? …Maybe they should rename the movie “I Don’t Know WHY She Does It.”

The Choice Is Yours

The truth is we all make choices, right?  Some are for money.  Some are for love.  And some are for happiness.  The bottom line is, there are very few things that we do in life that do not involve choice – even when something happens that is out of our control.  The choices we make shape who we are, and that’s a beautiful thing if you allow yourself to be aware of it.  Even when we are feeling overwhelmed or wishing something in our lives would change, realizing it is our own choices that have gotten us to where we are today is empowering.  It means we have the power to change and grow.  It helps us open our eyes to what we already have.  This all may be veiled as the plight of the modern woman, but the message is age old – think “The Wizard of Oz”…

The Grass Isn’t Necessarily Greener…

So, whether you are a stay at home mom wishing you were a CEO, a working mom who feels guilty you don’t spend enough quality time with your kids, or you’re a single career woman trying to decide if it’s time to settle down, it is human nature to want more — and in this day and age to sometimes want less…  So, take a moment and stop stressing out.  You’re not doing anything wrong.  But, if you want something to change, start by looking at all that you already have and be grateful.  The way we look at the world is everything.  And the choice is yours.

By Megan Segura – September 14, 2011

New With Nothing to Do

As someone who has moved around a bit, I can tell you that after each relocation I have found myself with a lot of lonely downtime left to fill.  Once the stress and excitement dies down, finding some fun, fast – and affordable – ways to enjoy my new town is essential if I’m ever going to acclimate.

Sure, if you have all the money in the world, you can buy your way into a ton of exciting events, but that’s not always the case.  Throughout my own travels and experiences, here are some tips that have helped me explore my new digs while keeping me entertained on a budget!

Get Into Your Hobby

Your personal hobby is the key to finding fun. For example, I love movies, so I started following a local film center on Twitter. Through this small act, I was able to find out about a small screening of a movie with a Q & A afterward with its star-studded cast. The best part? It was completely free!

Another idea would be joining a book club or another hobby-related organization. When I lived in Austin (pet-friendly capital of the world), I saw a group of 20 people gathering at a park. Each had a cute little pug in tow. Upon further investigation, I found out they met through a pug owner Meetup group. No matter how specific or absurd your personal interest may be, there is most definitely a group you.

Be A Tourist in Your Own City

It wasn’t until about 5 years after I left my hometown of Dallas, TX that I learned you can take a JFK Assassination Tour. Morbid? Yes. More surprising, however, was that I never knew that sort of thing existed! We tend to get into ruts and complain that we’re bored.  So, when you find yourself looking for something to do, look up your city’s tourism sites. You might be surprised to find a cheap, fun activity to do on a Saturday afternoon that will take you to a part of you city you’ve never explored before!

Get Sporty

A couple of years ago in Texas, I joined a co-ed adult softball league. Trust me when I tell you I am not athletic in the least, but I was told it’s more about the drinking and socializing than the actual playing – and they were right!  My husband and I just joined up with a team in NYC and have already met some great friends.  Again, nobody cares if you can’t play – they’re in it to make friends and have fun, too.

Check Out the Blogs

I, myself, am no expert when it comes to finding amazing entertainment-oriented deals, but since my recent move to NYC, I’m learning fast.  I have found that a simple search on Google can actually lead you to the real experts – people who make a living out of searching for fun, free things to do on the weekends.  A great example of this is Daily Candy. Their newsletters are great for alerting residents of a new business or local happenings.  Also, sign up for Groupon and Living Social.  Their daily deals lead you to the new hot spots in town – all at a substantial discount!

What’s your favorite cheap & fun activity?

By Brandi Savitt – August 15, 2011

Is It Ever Okay for the Guy NOT to Pay?

This past weekend I went on a first date with a handsome but quiet Italian attorney, while my friend Amy had a first rendezvous with a cute and witty web designer she met online.  During our ‘date debrief’ on Sunday, we sipped our tea and chuckled over the awkward moments from the night before.  I told Amy how my guy ordered a delicious bottle of Italian wine but struggled to talk about anything but work.  And then she told me that when the check came at the end of her date and she offered to pay her share, the guy happily took her cash just before asking her when he could see her again!  Say what?!

In the moment, Amy felt fine about splitting the bill.  As a career woman who has traveled the world by herself, it didn’t intellectually make sense that Web Guy should have to foot the entire bill for their date.  It is 2011 after all.  But the more she thought about it – and the more honest she was with herself- she admitted it was a total turnoff.

Let the People Talk

After comparing my stereotypical date with a true gentleman to Amy’s more modern day meet and greet, I set out to talk to as many people as I could this morning to get their opinion on who they thought should pay for the first date in this day and age.  To my surprise, 10 out of 10 (both men & women between the ages of 23-40) said the guy should always pay on the first date – even if the woman asks them out!

It seems although we live in a post feminist world where stay-at-home dads are a.o.k with their wives bringing home the bacon, the New Yorkers I talked to ALL felt that when it comes to dating, tradition rules.  The guy pays on the first date, or there shouldn’t be another…

Money & Mating Rituals

While it seems totally archaic to say out loud, could these 10 educated professionals living in this giant modern city all have it backwards?  So, I asked them WHY.  Why does the guy feel the need to pay?  What does it mean to the women if the guy doesn’t pay?  Is the nature of courtship solely based on tradition?  Or is the man’s need to woo, and the woman’s need to be wooed, something more rooted in biology?  And while my brief Fab & Fru Q&A session was certainly not ground-breaking science, it did show that when it comes to dating -money does matter- at least in the moment…

What the Ladies Said…

Although it was hard for some of them to articulate at first, and a few of the ladies seemed embarrassed to admit it, the bottom line was that they all felt disrespected by a man not picking up the tab on the first date.   Most of the women said they always offer to pay, but they are put off when a guy accepts their polite gesture.  At the end of the day, society still dictates that the man pays for the first date. It’s a customary mating gesture, and tradition counts when it comes to love and trust.  The consensus:  a guy who doesn’t pay sends a negative message, and none of these ladies would likely go out with him again.